Review: Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant

OPENING: 10/23/2009

STUDIO: Universal

RUN TIME: 109 min

ACCOMPLICES:
Trailer, Official Site

The Charge
Meet Darren. He’s sixteen going on immortal.

Opening Statement
There are a number of promising elements at work in Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant: a story based on a well-regarded series of young adult novels, a top-shelf cast, lots of colorful characters, and a screenplay by the savvy Paul Weitz and old pro Brian Helgeland. Alas, the movie is much, much less than the sum of its parts.

Facts of the Case
The film begins by introducing us to two teenage boys. Newcomer Chris Massoglia plays Darren Shan, a sweet guy who gets good grades in school and plays by the rules. Darren’s best friend is the obnoxious Steve (Josh Hutcherson, Journey to the Center of the Earth), who likes to kill living creatures and break things. One day, Darren and Steve sneak out in the middle of the night to attend a disreputable freak show called "Cirque du Freak." There they encounter Madame Truska the Bearded Woman (Salma Hayek, Desperado), the disfigured Alexander Ribs (Orlando Jones, Evolution), the mysterious Mr. Tall (Ken Wanatebe, Letters from Iwo Jima), and other colorful characters. The ringleader is Larten Crepsley (John C. Reilly, Boogie Nights), a fast-moving fellow who is secretly a vampire.

Well, it’s not a secret to Steve, who recognizes Larten from one of his books at home (Steve has a massive collection on the subject of vampires). This leads to a series of contrived events that would take far too much time to explain. Suffice to say that both boys are turned into vampires, though Darren sticks with the friendly Larten, while Steve joins the violent and barbarous Vampanese tribe. The decent and non-violent vampires are slowly being drawn into an epic war with the Vampanese, and the two best friends will eventually be forced to confront one another.

The Evidence
The Vampire’s Assistant shoots itself in the foot from the opening simply, by introducing us to the two lead teenagers, both of whom are remarkably uninteresting in their own way. Massoglia is dull and terribly uncharismatic, failing to give his scenes any sense of credibility or intrigue. Mostly, he just stands around looking somewhat confused and bewildered. Meanwhile, Josh Hutcherson hams it up in his one-note role as the film’s villain. When you start with killing harmless spiders and smashing school property, you’re bound to end up somewhere way over the top by the time your story concludes. Any time the film focuses on either of these two characters, it doesn’t work. Unfortunately, we spend a pretty good chunk of time with them.

Not that these guys are the movie’s only problem. Far from it. This tonally awkward mess veers unnaturally from gritty PG-13 violence and serious faux-Shakespearean drama, to breezy whimsy and hip comedy. Having such shifts within the same film isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but you have to find a way to make these elements co-exist comfortably. The Vampire’s Assistant never even tries, changing tone at will as if it were being controlled by a light switch. In the hands of someone like Tim Burton (an admittedly stereotypical choice for this sort of thing), the movie might have been creepy, exciting, and funny. Instead it’s just clunky, confusing, and irritatingly odd. In the past, Paul Weitz has excelled in dealing with character-driven comedy/dramas like About a Boy and In Good Company, but he’s juggling too many elements here and drops most of them as a result.

You would think a film featuring vampires, bearded women, sword swallowers, snake-boys, and self-healing mutants would be quite colorful, but it’s surprisingly dour and flat. The energetic circus sequences are few and far between, as the film spends most of it’s time contemplating the dull emotional journey of the two teenagers, and setting up potentially big events that never actually come to fruition. It’s a shame, because this film hardly seems strong enough to launch a successful franchise. I wouldn’t be surprised to see Cirque du Freak go the way of The Golden Compass… which, interestingly enough, was directed by Paul’s brother Chris. Franchise false starts must run in the family.

Though there are more than enough problems to classify The Vampire’s Assistant as a waste of time, it’s not a complete loss. I particularly enjoyed the performance of John C. Reilly, who drops the broad goofball persona he has been playing lately in favor of a straightforward dramatic part with just the right dosage of dry wit. The theatrical trailers play up Reilly’s punch lines, but this character isn’t a joke. There’s also a strong supporting turn for Willem Dafoe, who provides a chipper variation on his turn in Shadow of the Vampire — he’s also the only other multi-dimensional character, as none of the other freaks receive enough screen time to make us believe there’s anything more to them than their obvious gimmick. Individual moments work here and there, and there are some occasional nifty effects, but these are merely worm-free bites of a worm-infested apple.

Closing Statement
I suppose there is potential for the series to get better. There are some intriguing storylines I would like to see play out in another film, if only to have this one not feel like a pointless exercise. Regardless, Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant doesn’t deserve a franchise on the basis of this film. Save your money and wait for the next Harry Potter installment.

The Verdict
4/10

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